Tracey Gets Her Fonda On

Hey, you! Drop the kettle-ball! (Not on your toe. Ouch! That must have hurt.)

That is SO last year.

Here are my Sexy Seven fitness trends to put the ‘new’ into your new year’s resolutions.

Seen on Screen

Otherwise known as Shake It ‘Til You Make It, these classes focus on dance routines from videos such as Britney Spears’ I’m a Slave 4 U and Beyonce’s Crazy in Love. In the not-at-all-patronising ‘Girlboss’ class, you’ll shimmy in the spotlight to Independent Woman, by Destiny’s Child.

The best bit? Your performances are live streamed on surrounding screens. I mean, who wouldn’t want to see their wobbly bits broadcast in high definition? (*Kiss those bingo flaps*)

Let’s get digital

Ever since Olivia Newton-John popped on a pair of pink tights to get physical with her Sony Walkman, exercising and technology have been happy bedfellows. Gaming is the next big thing, with Fitocracy measuring your performance against other runners/cyclers/skateboarders.

Soon they’ll incorporate aspects of Grand Theft Auto, where you get extra points for running down a hooker, cycling over an old lady, and committing an armed robbery while riding a skatie. Awesome!

Bodyweight training

You’re not going to believe this one. It involves ‘squats’, ‘lunges’ and ‘push-ups’. What are they, I hear you ask? Well, they were among the top seven fitness trends for 1905, until it was discovered NO ONE WAS MAKING MONEY FROM THEM. However, according to a worldwide survey by the American College of Sports and Medicine, they’re the best way to get fit.

Who’d have thought…? There are also the mildly disgusting ‘burpees’, which are ill advised to attempt after eating a bowl of baked beans. (Thanks for the memories, Blazing Saddles.)

HIIT

This stands for High Intensity Interval Training, or Help, I’m In Traction. Put simply, you squeeze an hour’s exercise into 15 minutes. This will lead to either hard abs or a heart attack. You know you’re doing it right when you throw up your breakfast. Don’t say I didn’t warn you. I think it should be renamed SHIIT.

Piloxing

I think I had a nasty case of this at uni after having sex with… Oh, wait. Sorry, that’s something different. Piloxing is the new Zumba, which was the new PowerFit, which was the new Step Class, which was the new… I need a cup of a tea and a nice lie down.

It’s described as, “unleashing your inner Rocky while feeling like you’re in a scene from Flashdance”. NOBODY puts Rocky in the corner. Apparently it’s “fat-burning and body-sculpting” which must leave quite a mess, what with all the scorched flesh and sliced saddlebags littering the gym floor.

Virtual Fitness Classes

Now, according to the dictionary, virtual means, “not physically existing”. So does this mean you don’t have to exercise at all? Unfortunately: no. At its simplest, you watch a live exercise class online. In some cases an instructor can see you through your computer, like some weird cross between a cyber-stalker and a sadist. Now that’s just creepy.

Recovery

This is my favourite trend. After going SO HARD your body needs time to recover. The experts recommend Restorative Yoga (which sounds lovely) and Self Myofascial Release (which sounds like Hannibal Lecter ripping off his face mask).

I recommend half a bottle of red and an entire block of chocolate.

So, throw away that kettle-ball (yikes – not through the window!) and try out this Sexy Seven.

Or do what I do, and ignore all of those dumb-bells.

You’re most welcome.