I’m thinking about freezing the fat off my thighs.
Maybe I’ll stop eating for 10 days and insert a feeding tube into my nose down to my stomach.
Or perhaps I’ll cut out dairy because – as we all know – it’s not good for our hormones.
Ah yes, it’s that time of year when the crazies come out of the closet to share their inventive ways to lose weight.
In the US, the hot new trend is CoolSculpting.
A dermatologist puts a gel patch on your floppy bits and freezes the fat cells, which are magically flushed away by the body.
Do not try this at home: Putting a banana Paddle Pop on your muffin top will not have the same effect.
And could be rather sticky.
The treatment has been approved by the Food and Drug Administration, after reviewing data from fewer than 75 patients.
“FDA approval means the data collection is only beginning; we don’t really know how effective (this) will be in clinical practice,” Felmont Eaves, President of the American Society for Aesthetic Plastic Surgery told the U.S. News website.
The appeal of CoolSculpting is the quick fix.
No need for healthy eating or exercise – freeze that fat away!
Celebrities feed into this culture through lucrative endorsements, blatant lies, and shameful ignorance.
How many times have you read about they key to staying in shape being, “drink a lot of water”?
Transformers star Megan Fox is being lauded for her “stunning post-pregnancy shape”.
(Don’t get me started on the dissection of women’s bodies during and after pregnancy. Fat really is a feminist issue.)
“I’m not eating dairy,” she told The Mirror. “That’s my biggest secret. It’s really hard on your hormones”.
The 26-year-old has issued an ultimatum to other new mums: “If you want to gain weight, eat dairy. If you don’t, don’t eat it.”
See? Simple. Just put down that tub of lo-fat yoghurt and pick up a Big Mac.
While research is being done on the affect of dairy products on hormone-dependent cancers, eating them does not play havoc with your hormones.
The claim is almost as loopy as chef Pete Evans and his “activated almonds”.
If only Megan Fox could have been direct as her personal trainer: “We worked out throughout her entire pregnancy,” Harley Pasternak said.
British Educational Charity, Sense About Science, has just released its annual list of celebrity crap.
EastEnders star Patsy Palmer said she rubbed coffee into her thighs to get rid of cellulite.
“As coffee granules won’t allow the caffeine to penetrate the skin barrier, the only unintended effect is perhaps exfoliation,” pharmaceutical scientist Dr. Gary Moss told The Times.
There’s the 6 Weeks to OMG Diet, which involves skipping breakfast, drinking black coffee, then sitting in a cold bath to encourage the burning of stored fat, and Drunkorexia, where your calories come purely from alcohol.
Followers of the Party Girl Diet get hooked up to an IV drip full of vitamins like B, C, magnesium and calcium, while the Ketogenic Enteral Nutrition Diet involves a feeding tube connecting the nose and stomach.
The former carries a risk of infection, inflammation, and anaphylactic shock; the latter, the difficulty accessorising with an ugly pump you carry at all times.
Criticising such diets is like shooting fish in a barrel.
But at the top of the British Dietetic Association’s list of worst celebrity diets is one of the most popular: The Dukan Diet.
Fans include Jennifer Lopez, Gisele Bundchen, and Kate Middleton’s mother, Carol.
The BDA told the Daily Mail the protein-heavy diet is “confusing, time consuming, rigid and hard to sustain”.
Here’s the thing – diets don’t work.
The $790-million-a-year diet industry knows this.
So, they’re rebranding.
Jenny Craig and Weight Watchers now call themselves “life services” to help you “get healthy” rather than “lose weight”.
You only have to look at Jenny Craig Ambassadors a couple of years later to see it doesn’t work long-term.
The problem is, they want two bites of the Cherry Ripe.
Jenny Craig is owned by Nestle, which specialises in chocolates and lollies.
They make money from selling stuff that makes you fat; then they make more money telling you to get rid of the fat.
Talk about creating your own market.
There are a lot of people making a lot of money by complicating a simple message.
Eat a wide variety of healthy foods – lean protein, dairy, vegetables, and complex carbohydrates.
Find an exercise you like and do it as often as you can.
And have a good laugh once in a while.
After all, size doesn’t really matter as long as you are happy.
Sense About Science has released a list of health claims to be wary of:
1. Immune boosting – you can’t and you won’t.
2. Detox – your liver does this.
3. Superfood – there is no such thing
Righto – I’m off to activate some almonds.
I don’t understand why they’re just sitting there in the bowl.