Welcome To The L.A. Cattle Show

Welcome to the L.A. Cattle Show! All the breeds are here for you to see.

Marvel at the udders on the Colombian Vergara; the firm hindquarters of the White Wright; and the strong silhouette of the Pale Heigl.

Who will be crowned Most Magnificent Milker? Sassiest Steer? Or Best in Show?

Ah, yes. As Julianna Margulies said, while accepting the Emmy for Outstanding Lead Actress in a Drama, “What a wonderful time for women in TV”.

She described The Good Wife as, “a constant oxymoron”, but a bigger oxymoron is the celebration of meaty roles for women, while parading them on the red carpet like pieces of meat.

Sofia Vergara was put on a spinning pedestal, as the President of the Academy (a middle-aged white male) talked about diversity in television. It was meant to be a joke about how his speech was boring, but look, here’s something interesting to distract you while I bang on.

Yes, truth is stranger than fiction.

Vergara summed it up by quipping, “This is why I stopped being a car model”.

As @rachelsklar tweeted,


The Modern Family actress later defended the stunt, saying, “It means that somebody can be hot and also be funny and make fun of herself”.

But I didn’t see Matthew McConaughey being objectified like this.

Which reminds me of a quote from Caitlin Moran in her seminal book, How to Be a Woman: “You can tell whether some misogynistic societal pressure is being exerted on women by calmly enquiring, ‘And are the men doing this, as well?’ If they aren’t chances are you’re dealing with what we strident feminists refer to as, ‘some total fucking bullshit’.”

Women in TV feel obliged to pout-and-strut to gain air time – air time given to men for merely opening their mouths.

We haven’t come a long way since 1972, when author John Berger said, “Men act; women appear”.

Advances in technology haven’t helped either: The Emmys coverage exemplified the modern-day cult of the knuckle-dragger.

US Entertainment program E! boasts 360 degree glam cam (presumably to reveal any nasty spots of cellulite), mani cam (to catch out those HIDEOUS CREATURES with chipped nailpolish), and clutch cam (in case the bag doesn’t match the shoes which, in some states, is punishable by death).

It’s only a matter of time before we have upskirt cam, toe jam cam, and frizz cam.
This would have come in handy for January Jones, whose, “dress is GORGEOUS but her head is a refried mess”, according to one oil painting.

So, too, would large signs slung around the neck, advertising the designer of the FABULOUS CREATION each actress is wearing.

Then there’d be no need for entertainment reporters to ask, “Who are you wearing?”, which always reminds me of Hannibal Lecter from Silence of the Lambs.

It’s just creepy. Not to mention grammatically incorrect.

Still, it’s lovely to see Scandal star Kerry Washington win the award for Best Breeder, after looking “fabulously fresh in Prada” after “popping out a baby just four months ago”.

(Frankly, I was more interested in her being in the running to be the first black female to win a Best Actress Emmy, than how much she had been running to drop the baby weight. #justsayin’)

But my favourite comments are about older women – which, in Hollywood, is anyone over the age of 35.

Julia Roberts got the gong for Best Backhanded Compliment when an incredulous host asked,”How does she have those legs? She looks incredible for 46!”

Which, in laymen’s terms, means, “Shouldn’t she have been sent to the knackery by now?”

Seriously though, Best in Show is the genius behind Girls, Lena Dunham: “A pap followed me through LAX asking me about how I felt about the speculation that my peroxide hair is a wig. This is literally the biggest scandal I have ever been embroiled in,” she said, sardonically.