At this year’s Golden Globes, the award for best cosmetic surgery went to Nicole Kidman.
“I just love what she did in Rhinoplasty and Me, one critic said.
Megan Fox was a close second for Botox and the Fox, while Sylvester Stallone punched above his weight with Rocky Loves Restylane.
Seriously, I don’t know what was funnier: the hilarious hostings by Tina Fey and Amy Poehler or the actors attempting to move their faces to laugh.
Why shouldn’t they be given awards, too?
A lot of time, money and work goes in to looking so odd – I mean, good. (Sorry. Finger slipped on the keyboard there.)
The contrast was clearest on the red carpet: in the foreground, a race of super humans drunk on the fountain of youth; in the background, hideous wrinkly creatures known as the general public.
Of course there were exceptions, like the delightfully craggy face of Breaking Bad star Bryan Cranston.
But those who weren’t buffed and polished were castigated for it – especially the women.
According to anti-ageing website makemeheal.com, “Despite her recent divorce, Amy Poehler doesn’t look to have had a makeover to help her snag a new guy”.
What was she thinking? Quick, call a doctor, immediately! This is an emergency.
“She could use a little Botox to help the frown lines between her brows from showing up even when she’s not frowning,” writes Lisa Stern.
She’s also affronted by Lena Dunham whose “lack of plastic surgery hasn’t affected her career one iota”.
Er, that’s because her head is full of brains instead of Botox.
The creator of HBO’s smash hit Girls won Best Actress in a comedy series, while the show was named Best Television Comedy.
Sadly, it seems cosmetic surgery is the new normal; you’re the odd one out if you don’t do it.
At a recent photo shoot for a women’s magazine, the photographer asked whether he could take some shots while I was having my makeup applied.
“Sure,” I replied. “I think it’s great for everyone to see that, under all that foundation, is a 45-year-old face.
The camera started clicking when suddenly someone shouted, “No, wait!”
It was the makeup artist.
“I just need to fix up this… misdemeanor,” he said slowly.
I was perplexed.
Had someone committed a crime on my cheek? Robbed it of its luster? Stolen my youth?
Arrest that thief of time, officer!
It turns out he was referring to a sunspot.
I’d never considered it a misdemeanor, more a reminder of a Coppertone childhood spent at the beach.
We all laughed. But he was insistent.
“I – need – to – fix – this – misdemeanor.”
Jeez, nobody’s perfect.
Even those who are, feel the need to fix something.
Former model Paulina Porizkova has blasted Nicole Kidman for refusing to age gracefully.
In her blog, she wrote, “When you start doing this (cosmetic surgery) to what is already beautiful… I guess that kind of insecurity really disheartens me because it makes me feel like, ‘Well, then, what about me?’ Where does that leave the rest of us?”
Then she asks, “Why not admit it?” I agree.
Do whatever you want to your face, if it makes you feel better.
But don’t lie about it.
That just makes the rest of us feel like sh*t.
The reason I won’t have surgery is simple: Where does it end?
I might get my nose done then think, “Hmmm, my lips are looking a bit thin. Should get them pumped up. What about those sagging cheeks? They could do with a lift”.
Sure, I hate those lines on my forehead that make me look cranky. Or constipated, as I was once told.
But they serve as a constant reminder to stop bl**dy worrying all the time!
I tried Botox once. But I didn’t want to end up like one of those newsreaders – you know who I’m talking about – who can’t express emotion.
Wendy Harmer has a terrific take on this: “We are saying to our family, ‘Your love for me as I am is not enough to sustain me’. We are saying to our friends, ‘I see you are getting old and I’m not coming with you on this journey’.”
This is from Jodie Foster, who won the lifetime achievement award at the Golden Globes: “I’d rather have somebody go, ‘Wow, that girl has a bad nose’ than ‘Wow, that girl has a bad nose job’. I’d rather have a comment about who I am than about something that identifies me as being ashamed of who I am.”
As for 67-year-old bikini babe Helen Mirren, well, at least she’s honest. She wants to, “Suck it all up, tie it up and then cut it all off!”
But the award for the best perspective on plastic surgery goes to – drumroll – my hero, Tina Fey.
Interestingly, in her book Bossypants, she compares rejecting Photoshop with refusing to move on from the Box Brownie.
“I feel about Photoshop the way some people feel about abortion. It is appalling and a tragic reflection on the moral decay of our society… unless I need it, in which case, everybody be cool.”
However, she draws the line at plastic surgery: “Your choices are: Get old, or look creepy.”
A standing ovation, please.
Tracey Spicer is a journalist, broadcaster and writer. www.spicercommunications.biz