Reverse Discrimination

You have to feel sorry for white heterosexual males.

After all, they’re in the minority these days.

Which is why there’s a new civil rights movement.*

Picture this: Conservative talk show host Rush Limbaugh, standing at the Lincoln Memorial, echoing the words of Martin Luther King.

“I have a dream,” he’d say to the crowd, peppered with white points, “that one day my brothers will rise up and take back what is rightfully theirs.”

“We now have a black man as our commander-in-chief, declaring war on the institution of marriage. Gays are openly serving in the military. How can you shoot bullets from a handbag, I ask you? It’s not the American way.”

This movement has a flag-bearer in Australia by the name of Russell Mark.

The Olympian has been kicked out of the matrimonial bed as he prepares to take up arms to defend his country.

He and his gun-slinging wife have been told they can’t room together in the London Olympic Village.

‘The stupid part of this, which I have argued to them, is that there are tons of gay couples on the Olympic team who will be rooming together so we are being discriminated against because we are heterosexual,’ Mark told News Ltd.

His wife, Lauryn, agreed: “If you are heterosexual you are penalised.”

Some say they’ve gone off half-cocked.

But I support them, on behalf of this oppressed minority.

Some straight athletes are forced to keep their sexual orientation private for fear of vilification.

You know all that stuff about gay diver Matthew Mitcham living a secret life, quitting training, and almost giving up on his Olympic dream? Well, boo hoo nancy boy.

As Uncle Chop Chop would say, “Harden the f*#k up”.

Lauryn Mark won’t be able to sleep in the same bed as her husband – to whom she is legally married – for a whole 17 nights.

Imagine the stress that puts on a marriage, which is, after all, the backbone of this great nation.

As for those beach volleyballers, Natalie Cook is married to her partner, so I don’t know what she’s got to complain about.

Sure, it’s not a proper marriage, but hey, if this commo, pinko, lefty, homo-loving government has its way, we’ll all be marching down Oxford street in hot pants, singing “I Am What I Am”.

I know, bad things have happened: Bullying, youth suicide, discrimination in the workplace, yada, yada, yada.

But it’s time to get over it. You now have positive discrimination. And, you dress better than us.

Victoria actively encourages discrimination against Anglo-Saxon heterosexuals in its Equal Opportunity Act, “to boost the status of women, the disabled, and cultural and religious minorities”.

Australian women got the vote back in 1902. What more could we possibly want?

As for the disabled, my mate had to pay $15,000 for a ramp so they could have a latte in his swanky café. Why can’t they just make it at home?!

And I’m sick of my taxes being spent on those towel-heads getting welfare after they jump the queue by hopping on leaky boats.

Don’t get me started on the handouts to students who are 1% Aboriginal/Torres Strait Islander.

Where’s the box to tick for those who are really disenfranchised?

In the words of the Straight White Male Anti-Discrimination Front, “While we here are all for Gay Rights (we ain’t no faggots though), we think that they simply cannot understand the plight that we, as straight white males, have to go through every day. How could anyone so light-hearted and limp-wristed understand the misery we have to suffer through? Inconceivable”.

Now, some might say equality seems like discrimination to heterosexual white males because they’ve historically enjoyed a surplus of privilege.

Admittedly, the default viewpoint on blogsites, letters to the editor, even video games, is based upon them.

And they are the majority of the world’s decision-makers.

But we can’t blame them for an accident of birth.

So congratulations, Russell Mark, on winning life’s lottery.

Truth be told, the decision was probably made because of your pro-sleeping pill stance and your wife’s raunchy photo shoot.

But you took the opportunity to speak out, on behalf of your fellow travellers.

Perhaps instead of a medal, you should be awarded a gold phallus, slab of VB, and lifetime supply of titty magazines.

I understand Radio 2GB will be in touch about organising an anti-Mardi Gras parade, with men wearing wife-beaters on the back of Holden utes.

You will be leading the parade singing the famous anthem, ‘Ain’t No Homos Goin’ to Make it to Heaven’.

I’m with you, brother.

*There actually is a civil rights movement for straight white males in the United States. Check out this piece by CNN.