Dear Sir Tony,
Please forgive me. I know you have your knights of the round table to confer with at times like these. (No ladies, of course. Scared off by the town criers, I hear.)
And… well… you’re always so certain. I am but a humble scribe: a female one, at that.
As Corinne Grant pointed out, we know nothing.
But women are carers and with the Coalition’s approval rating down to 48 per cent, as a born nurturer, I feel compelled to help. (And, as a whining woman, I can’t help but point out where it went wrong.)
So, here are the Top Ten ways, with all due respect, you’re f*cking it up.
10. My Generation
Who, in their right mind, relies on older voters to get elected then considers cutting their benefits? After promising in parliament there’d be “no change to pensions”…?
In some quarters this would earn you a nasty nickname, like Sir Liealot.
Sure, the Minister formerly known as Sir Lunchalot should swallow some of the blame, but you’re the one who made the commitment, to reassure some of society’s most vulnerable citizens.
You’re also the one who became the first Opposition Leader to bekicked out of parliament, for calling the previous Prime Minister a liar.
As my grandmother once said, “I’d rather be known in life as an honest sinner than a lying hypocrite”.
9. A Hard Day’s Night
Now, I might be (in the words of the wise Lord Blackadder) a bit of a thicky, but it seems to me you’ve created a double bind.
You want us to work until we’re 70. But you won’t strengthen discrimination laws. And there are no incentives for business, nor training for older workers. So, employers will keep favouring youth over experience.
(Even though $10b is lost to the economy every year by people leaving the workforce too early.)
The result? A generation of folks retiring in poverty. Forced onto Newstart because they can’t get the pension. And ending up on the streets.
What a wonderful legacy. Your mother must be so proud.
8. I Hate N___ers (The KKK Song)
I get it: There’s a reason it’s called the ‘liberal’ Party.
But there’s a fine line between free speech and men with white hoods on their heads.
It’s no surprise 88 per cent of votershave told Sir Tainly-Tolerant-of-Bigots to back off. We like Section 18C of the Racial Discrimination Act. It protects those who, frankly, are already having a tough time: our indigenous and multicultural communities.
What kind of people support those who “offend, insult or humilate” them?
Bullies, that’s who. And no-one likes a bully.
7. A New England
This Sirs-and-Dames lark has been a rather raucous joust, tally-ho! Who doesn’t like a Royal pun, especially with Bonnie Prince George down under.
However I fear, Sir, you may have, ahem, overreached. Even we republican reptiles can cope with Kate and Wills. But reviving a class system deemed “too anachronistic” by your mentor, Sir Monarchist, gave us a glimpse of your true black heart.
The rich get richer; the poor get the picture.
6. She Blinded Me With Science
First, you supported Sir Monarchist’s moves towards an emissions trading scheme. Then, you declared climate change to be “crap”.
But last year you told the ABC, “climate change is real, humanity makes a contribution”. Now, my brain may be smaller than a man’s ‘n’ all, but what the….?
I guess the proof is in the pudding, cooked using flour from a new strain of wheat developed by the clever cookies at the CSIRO.
This Organisation invented wireless technology, netting revenue worth $420m over the past five years.
And you want to cut its funding by 20 per cent?
As an advisor to Bill Clinton famously said, “It’s the economy, stupid”.
I’d complain to the Minister for Science, but that was obviously a failed experiment.
5. Ballad of the Promised Land
Yes, we know, first there was Tampa, then Christmas Island, Papua New Guinea, and Nauru.
Left, right, and centre, politicians have appealed to our baser instincts by being tough on asylum seekers (those who arrive on boats, in any case).
Yet again, you are guilty of overreaching (see 7.)
A young man, fleeing persecution, is murdered by PNG locals,egged on by Australian security guards? We’re still shaking our heads at that one.
You “stopped the boats” alright.
But no one – not even your staunchest supporters – expected you to stop humanity.
4. Light the Flame
Sometimes, as I’m serving mead with the other buxom wenches, I wonder about the development of public policy. (I know, who would have thought?)
Does one knight, wanting to outdo the other fellows, pipe up and say, “I have a splendid idea! Let’s rob the poor to pay for the rich!” Then another interjects: “A moment, if I may. What about the lame, the weak, the blind and those of unsound mind? Why not take from them, for they are less able to rise up against us!”
And so it has come to pass that the Disability Support Pension (already the princely sum of $766 a fortnight) may be cut, and the rollout of the National Disability Insurance Scheme delayed.
As I said in 8., no one wants the powerful to pick on the powerless.
Shame on you.
3. I Am Woman
Some of us quite liked the Paid Parental Leave scheme. Anything that helps women back into the workforce after having kids is a good thing, right?
Well, maybe not so much. It seems to be aimed at your “women of calibre”.
Alternatively, a government-funded Scandinavian-style scheme would suit us all.
Besides, funding child care is more effective than providing parental leave. Better go back to your paper napkins on that one, pet.
2. All the Ladies
Where do I begin? To tell the story of how great this failure has been.
Perhaps, with this: “Where are the ladies?”
When you uttered that line, repeatedly, prior to a photo shoot of business delegates in Asia, did it cross your mind that one of those ladies was the CEO of Westpac, Gail Kelly?
I would have thought her defining features were her vaulting intellect, leadership ability, and strength of character.
But, according to you, they’re her breasts and genitalia.
To tell you the truth, we always suspected you viewed women as decoration: Draped with daughters, in a Robert Palmer film clip.
Now, it’s crystal clear: We should be at home, polishing, ironing, and cooking, instead of at trade talks with “Andrew”, “Sam”, and “Nev”.
No amount of knocking on doors is going to change this.
1. The Breakup Song
It’s not us: It’s you.
Pretty much everything you’ve touched is turning to sh*t. I know you gain guidance from Sir Chaff Bag, but that guy’s no good for you; keeps dressing you way too far to the right.
Remember, there’s a reason why it’s called Middle Australia.
PS: Sir Tony, if you think I’m singling you out, you’re wrong.
Your opposite number, Sir Face, is not much better. I’ll be sending him some homespun advice next week.